Sex and the Gods of Internet Marketing

Sex and the Gods of Internet Marketing

by: Linda Cox

Sex and the Gods of Internet Marketing

By Linda Cox J.A.M.G. (Just Another Marketing Guru)

Whenever I mention my occupation to a nonwired person, it seems to generate the same response:
"Isn’t there an awful lot of porn on the net?"
The question floats toward me like a smoke ring and forms a halo around my face, framing me as a pornographer, nymphomaniac, and allround corrupter of innocence.
I expect that from my mother, but itกs not the public image I strive to cultivate. I never have a good response ready.
"Hmmm," I nod coquettishly, "Iกll have to look into that."
The subtext of my vapid reply could be "Yes, the internet is a modernday Gomorrah and Iกm in it up to my quivering loins," or, "I really haven’t heard that, but Iกm so pathetically hardup that Iกm gonna race right home and look."
Neither is what I mean to convey, but the truth is probably just as perverse…
Iกve never really looked into sex on the net.
I always plan to, but I never do. I think Iกve always been very nervous about what I might find. Who knows? Maybe I myself would become corrupted lured into the nether regions of psychosexual depravity and cybersensual abandon… never, perhaps, to return.
(I shudder at the thought… several times.)
Well, that sort of cloistered naiveté is fine when you’re just peddling software and minding your own business, but now that Iกm prancing around like an emarketing guru, I no longer have the luxury of ignoring so large and infamous a part of our venue.
THE DARING SEXPLORATIONS OF LINDA COX!
I have shifted into my Lara Croft/Wonder Woman Intrepid Female Explorer persona and I am now going to begin my Conradian trek into the internetกs dark interior.
Wish me luck. Here goes…
Okay, Iกm back. Thanks for waiting. Iกm prepared to report now.
Yep, it seems that there IS some sexual content on the internet. (Drink, please.) Rather a lot, in fact. (Make it a double.) Funny I never noticed before. (Is it warm in here?) Actually, itกs amazing thereกs room for anything else. (WHEREกS THAT FREAKINก DRINK!?)
Hereกs what I learned…

I can never don my Lara Croft/Wonder Woman alterego again now that Iกve seen them locked together in alt.sex.binaries.lesbian.actionheroes in a bout of noholesbarred lovemaking.
Acts I consider sexually extreme and taboo, many people consider warmup.
I will never use a public restroom or changing room again. I will never wear a skirt in public again. I will never look at many salad ingredients the same way again.
Certain professions should strictly enforce a much earlier mandatory retirement age.
Everything is a sex toy to someone… EVERYthing.
I found Howard Spragueกs private diary online. Goober and Floyd I always suspected, but Otis, Barney, how could you?
Bondage is a cottage industry. Iกm not sure what BDSM is, but it looks pretty damn uncomfortable.
I accidentally learned how Vinnie, my pizza delivery kid, made ends meet before landing his present gig.
Some things are better left unshaven.
Shemales are the damnedest thing since Mike the Headless Chicken.

THE GODS OF INTERNET MARKETING
Adult website marketers are the most inyourface, takenoprisoners, knockdown dragout rock กn roll marketers on earth. If I could sell software the way they sell sex, Iกd be living on my own island.
IN PRAISE OF CENSORSHIP
Frankly, I very much oppose adult content on the internet. I think it should be legislated out of existence. Hereกs why:
Sex is the fire in the belly of civilization. If we allow it to become so commonplace that everyone gives up the hot and frenzied pursuit of it, then humanity will just go sit on the couch and watch pro wrestling. And then where will we be?
Sitting on the couch watching pro wrestling, thatกs where!

About The Author

Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was born in a speeding stagecoach amid the screams of fellow passengers as insane, wildeyed horses dragged them all crashing toward the brink of destruction. That stagecoach was the planet Earth, those passengers were the human race, and Linda Cox is Just Another Marketing Guru. (The horses were just regular horses.) http://www.LindaCox.com/

This article was posted on February 4, 2002

by Linda Cox